If you've ever wanted to find out who would win in a fight between a mammoth, an army of farmers armed with pitchforks, and a handful of knights who seem to have forgotten how to walk, Totally Accurate Battle Simulator (TABS) has all the answers... though none of them probably make any sense. This zany strategy game turns every battle into a spectacle of punches, falls, shoves, and situations so absurd that you’ll end up laughing even when your army is defeated in less than ten seconds.
The idea is very simple: you have a budget, and you must spend it recruiting the troops you think are best suited to defeat the enemy army. It seems easy… until you discover that your soldiers have the balance of a flamingo on an ice rink. You position your warriors with the utmost confidence, press the button to start the battle, and suddenly, one flies off for no reason, another decides to attack a rock, and the rest end up forming a completely accidental human pyramid. Your brilliant strategy vanishes in a matter of seconds, but laughs are guaranteed.
Each unit has its own personality and a completely unpredictable way of fighting. There are peasants who charge with more enthusiasm than skill, archers who sometimes seem to aim anywhere but at the enemy, giants capable of hurling soldiers as if they were tennis balls, and mammoths that trample everything in their path… including their own comrades. No one here is completely safe—not even from their own allies.
As you progress, you unlock new factions inspired by different eras of history—though the word “history” is taken quite loosely. Vikings, samurai, medieval knights, pirates, cowboys, ancient warriors, sorcerers, and a whole host of characters so outlandish that it feels like someone mixed up all the history books with a toy box. The only rule is that the more absurd a battle seems, the more fun it ends up being.
And just when you think you’ve seen it all, the sandbox mode kicks in to remind you that the human imagination knows no bounds. You can pit a hundred chickens against a king, organize a skeleton invasion, create an army made up entirely of spearmen, or find out if twenty highly motivated peasants can defeat a gigantic god. The answer is usually “no”… but the spectacle is totally worth it. You can also create your own units, design completely custom battles, or even directly control a soldier to experience the chaos from the inside. Spoiler: it lasts a lot less than you’d imagine.
With its unmistakable rubber-doll style, a physics engine that seems to run on the power of chaos, and an infinite capacity to surprise you, Totally Accurate Battle Simulator proves that the best strategy isn’t always about thinking… but rather crossing your fingers and hoping your mammoth doesn’t decide to crush your entire army before reaching the enemy. It’s one of those games where losing can be even more fun than winning, because in the end, what matters isn’t victory… but discovering what crazy thing will happen next on the battlefield.